Sex Forever – Outercourse

Our bodies seem to talk back to us when we are under stress, injured or infirm. Even as we age and travel through various stages of our life our bodies speak to us. But we don’t always listen or want to listen, especially when it comes to sex. We assume it will remain the same forever – thank goodness it doesn’t.
Research has shown, sex gets better with age. What were these older respondents referring to when they said better?
During several focus group sessions I held researching my dissertation project (specifically focused on sexual desire), I was privy to some interesting information. It seemed to confirm what all the media is discussing and the pharmaceutical companies are hoping to make millions on – many women have lost their want to want, their wish, their desire for sex. Informally I have spoken with men; they too suffer in silence, often too embarrassed to admit to lack of desire.
The scenarios vary, but the outcome is the same, very little or no sex. Whether it is a side effect of drugs, a long term relationship that has lost its spark, bedroom boredom, menopausal/andropausal hormonal changes, body aches and emotional stress that distracts our attention, the result is often the same – the body shuts down its desire for sex.
So who are these older adults who feel that sex is getting better? Numerous adults tell me their stories when they find out my profession; it is almost a permission giving experience. Some express interest in rekindling or enhancing their passionate sex lives, others want to divulge how sex is better than they ever expected. They share many of these common attributes:
  • They are men and women who have taken responsibility for their own sexual pleasure.
  • The women have learned that desire often needs to be proactively created.
  • The men have allowed themselves to enjoy the emotional aspects of having sex.
  • Some men have learned (often out of necessity) they do not need to be hard to have an orgasm.
  • They communicate their needs.
  • They have come to realize that having sex is not a performance.
  • They savor every moment of their sexual expression, not just the peaks.
  • They are present.
I would like to offer a suggestion  – think of your bed as a sandbox, the kind you played in when you were a kid. No performance, no expectations, full of creative joy, – no sand please.
Sex is glorious fun! If it isn’t for you, perhaps you might consider why and seek a change.