Preface

Life circumstances had me back at school in my 50s, finishing undergraduate studies and finally earning a PhD in Human Sexuality at age 61. Going back to school at that age was no small feat—balancing the rigors of academia with hot flashes and a fading memory was a challenge. However, being an older student came with unique perks, especially when it came to studying sexuality in the context of aging and menopause.

When I conducted interviews with older women for my undergraduate thesis and doctoral dissertation, many admitted they would have hesitated to share their intimate details with a younger person. They saw me as a fellow traveler, and on more than one occasion, we even fanned ourselves in sync, hoping our “personal saunas” would pass quickly.

Their in-depth disclosures and the questions they raised after interviews enriched my research immensely. Most of the answers to their concerns, I realized, could have been addressed by an adult sex-education course—but none existed.

This book grew out of their questions and the insights I gathered during those interviews. I chose to focus on menopausal* women’s lack of desire for sex because it was a top concern, particularly in how it impacted their relationships. Many referred to this as “low libido,” which, simply put, is the energy that fuels the desire for sex. How libido functions, however, is far more complex and will be unraveled throughout this book. (Words marked with an asterisk “*” are defined in the Glossary.)

Shortly after earning my doctorate, I found myself in a similar situation to some of the women I had interviewed. Surrounded by a bookcase brimming with self-help books and academic texts on sexuality, I realized one day that my own sexual spark had gone missing. Spontaneous sexual thoughts and fantasies—once so natural to me—had almost completely disappeared.

The irony wasn’t lost on me—a sexologist studying sexual response cycles suddenly had no desire for sex. I missed the internal sensations that used to jumpstart my fantasies or directly spark my desire. Those moments of eagerly waiting for my lover while lounging in slinky lingerie felt like a distant memory. I laughed until I cried—a mix of self-pity and disbelief at the loss of those familiar sensations that once sparked fantasies and desire. Like the women I had interviewed, I began to feel that “sexual desire*” had become elusive. My partner missed the spark too.

Determined to reignite my desire, I turned back to the research from my interviews. Instead of just analyzing the data, I focused on the practical suggestions shared by the women. After consulting with a gynecologist and adapting their advice to my own circumstances, I discovered my Personal Path to Pleasure*. It worked! My spark returned, and so did my smile—as well as my partner’s.

My interest in sex returned, much to the delight of both myself and my partner. And, as so often happens when someone finds a remedy for their troubles, I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops and share it with others in the same boat. I began talking to women about what I had learned, and their enthusiastic responses encouraged me to write this book.

Being a “sexologist” seems to open the floodgates for people to share their stories and ask questions about sexual desire and physical changes. Most women want to understand the shifts they’re experiencing as they age, along with practical advice for navigating them. Some hope to rekindle their sexual spark, while others, who have lost interest in “the desire for desire,” are more focused on keeping their partner’s attention from wandering. Men often approach me, too, especially in households where sex feels like a topic that’s off-limits for discussion.

As I compiled the background material and began writing, I recognized how much my own experiences influenced this project. The suggestions and exercises in this book address not only common menopausal symptoms but also my personal struggles with physical challenges and pain. This layer of lived experience complements the content, which is firmly grounded in my professional training.

My guidelines and recommendations, along with evaluations of various products and treatments, are presented through the bi-focal lens of my being both sexologist and patient. I have integrated the divergent and oftentimes colliding views from health care professionals to offer additional perspectives on the issues raised by the women who inspired this text. My hope is that you will evaluate the options and make your own informed choices, creating the outcome you desire.

This book provides a wealth of diverse information because I believe in offering a variety of choices, empowering individuals to select what best suits their needs. I’ve also included background on various human sexual response cycles to highlight how the “low libido” label can often be inaccurate or misleading. Additionally, you’ll be introduced to my own adaptation of the human sexual response cycle, the *Sexual Pleasure Model*.

A Note on Inclusion

This book primarily focuses on heterosexual women, reflecting the data gathered during my research. However, many of the insights and recommendations apply universally to women in same-sex or gender-variant relationships, as well as those navigating life solo. For ease of reading, pronouns align with heterosexual couples, but I hope readers from diverse backgrounds find value in the content.

Aging and Terminology

The term “older” refers broadly to aging, which begins the moment we’re born. This book focuses on women aged 35 and older, as hormonal changes often start during this time. I’ve intentionally avoided the term “old,” as it often carries judgmental overtones.

Voices That Shaped This Book

The women I interviewed, along with the men who pine for them, shaped the structure and content of this book. Both groups shared how they often feel bombarded with material about sexual desire—either shallow magazine articles by “sexperts” or dense, jargon-heavy medical texts. They asked for something concise, practical, and easy to understand, and I’ve done my best to deliver just that.

Sharing and Support from Your Partner

Women often say to me, “Please write a book for men; they just don’t get it…” Men, too, express a desire to better understand their partner’s changing sexuality. However, research shows that men are less likely to purchase books on this topic.

To address this, I’ve included guidance on involving your partner in your journey toward an *Authentic Sex Life*.

The key is to share as much information as possible with your partner, fostering intimacy and mutual understanding. Use the book to discuss previously unspoken topics, such as physical symptoms, self-esteem issues, and sexual preferences.

Identify the sections you want to share and take notes digitally or on paper if helpful. Focus on key insights that resonate with you. Then, decide whether to approach your partner alone or with the help of a therapist.

Timing is important. Choose a quiet, comfortable space and make sure both of you can focus without distractions. Hold hands or sit close if it feels right. Explain why the marked passages are significant to you and what kind of support you need. Be prepared for questions, especially if you’re disclosing something for the first time.

Here are a few conversation starters:

Example 1

Wife: Honey, could we set aside some time this week to talk about a book I read?

Husband: What’s it about?

Wife: It’s about sex—specifically low libido, which I’ve been struggling with.

Husband: Did it help?

Wife: Yes, and I’d like to share what I’ve learned and hear your thoughts. Can we spend an hour talking about it?

Example 2

Wife: This is hard for me to bring up, but I want to talk about our sex life.

Husband: If it means more sex, I’m all ears!

Wife: It’s not that simple. I’ve been struggling with some changes, and I need your support to figure things out. Can we go through this book together?

Directives for Conscious Coupling

• Read the entire book and identify passages to share that resonate most with your experiences.
• Reflect on key points and make notes digitally or in a separate document.
• Answer the questionnaires by writing your responses in a notebook or typing them into a document on your computer. Keep it simple and focus on being honest with yourself.
• Choose a quiet, comfortable space for discussions.
• Be present and attentive during conversations.
• Share openly and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Consult a physician if necessary, and encourage your partner to do so if needed.

Essential Points to Share

• Be present: When together, give 100% of yourself.
• Listen to cues: Pay attention to non-verbal signals and physical expressions.
• Ask questions: If uncertain about preferences, don’t guess. Ask directly.
• Avoid assumptions: Everyone has unique preferences that may change over time.
• Adapt to changes: Aging and health issues can affect the body, but a positive attitude can make all the difference.

This book offers a path to discovering your *Authentic Sex Life*—a journey of self-discovery and connection with your partner. Before starting the quiz, take a moment to consider your initial reactions to the statements. This will help you reflect on your current beliefs and assumptions about sex. Start by taking the quiz below. For each statement, write “true” or “false” in a notebook or type your answer into a document. Choose the first response that comes to mind without overthinking. Answers and explanations follow.

Sex Quiz

1. Sex must be spontaneous to be natural.

2. Women always have to feel sexual desire to want sex.

3. Having sex always has to include orgasm for satisfaction.

4. You can’t enjoy sex with your partner if you masturbate.

5. Fantasizing about someone else while with your partner is a form of cheating.

6. Couples should resolve emotional problems before addressing sexual ones.

7. Older adults don’t need to worry about sexually transmitted infections.

Answer: All statements are false. Throughout this book, these myths will be debunked to help you develop an Authentic Sex Life.